Everything You Want to Know But Are Afraid to Ask

Maile and I began this journey without a lot of education around the process. We didn't know much about China except that their food here in America is excellent. Over the past year and a half, we have met a lot of wonderful people, and we have spent a lot of time seeking to understand the language and the culture of our daughter's homeland. Raising an adopted child also has its own challenges, and raising a child of a different race, even more, and raising a child that has been in an institution for the first year of her life... well, you get the point. So we needed to educate ourselves along the way.

All this time, we have been devouring everything that we can get our hands on around adoption, China, babies, and so on. We are only now drawing each of you into our wonderful little world. Snaring and captivating you with cute pictures, sorrowful tales of abandonment, and inspiring stories as she develops, grows, and can do new things. But Maile and I forget that while we have spent a lot of time preparing ourselves, we haven't done a very good job of preparing you.

So here are some things that we have learned along the way, as we slowly shifted our perspective, and began to look at the world with new eyes. Some of these are silly and funny, and some of them are quite serious, but I hope that you find all of these tidbits of information useful and informing.

Getting to know you
Each child is different, and Amelie may instantly bond with us and be perfectly at home in a large crowded setting. It is not an uncommon occurrence with other families that have adopted from China. But she may also need some time, particularly to bond with Maile and me. So as tempting as it may be to immediately pass her around the room for everyone to give her hugs and kisses (and believe me, we want to! It's so much fun!), there is a significant amount of trust that Maile and I will be trying to establish with this little girl, and such a scene can cause panic and fear in her. We promise there will be plenty of hugs and kisses to go around in due time.

Peek-a-Bu.. er.. Boo!
I thought this tidbit was very funny. "Bu" in mandarin means "no". It can be pronounced a little like "boo" depending on the dialect. So a simple game of "Peek-a-Boo" can be quite confusing to a child who is only beginning to understand simple words in her native language (and now we switch it all on her!). I plan to teach her checkers instead.

The Oriental Trading Company
The term oriental is reserved for inanimate objects, and is frowned upon by the Asian community when referring to people. There is really no need to add labels at all. I would no more introduce Amelie as my Asian/adopted/Chinese/oriental daughter than I would introduce Maile as my white/Caucasian/sometimes cranky wife (particularly not the latter!). She's my wife. She's my daughter. She's my cousin, my granddaughter, my niece, my best friend.

Grocery Store Scenes
These are what adoption experts categorize as off-the-wall questions that you may encounter while out and about on the town with Amelie. Many of you will find yourself in this situation, as Maile and I will seek baby sitters regularly ;) It is good to simply be aware of these seemingly innocent questions below, and their impact.

- Are you going to have children of your own one day?
Many of you may not get this question directly, but it is one of the more common questions that adoptive parents get. Some parents can get angry with this question, particularly if it is in front of the child, as it can make them feel second rate. Your child is your child. There is no distinguishing between biological or adopted with adoptive parents. I think Maile and I may have inadvertently asked this to some of the other families when we were just beginning our journey.

- How much did she cost?
Well, she is a priceless angel, as are the kids of each one of us. We all know the biggest investment we make is giving 100% of our hearts to our children. Getting this question in front of the child again can objectize her and make her feel second rate.

- China? They murder little girls there, don't they? They consider them worthless.
No they don't. And we have heard stories of people actually saying this in front of the little girl. And it's wrong. I won't go deep into China's culture and one child policy (which they are easing up on, thankfully), but there are plenty of publications out there to read. The abandonment of a baby is a very heart-wrenching experience for a mother. They love their daughters. When a "lost daughter" is found, as you can see from Amelie's growth report, they are well cared for until they find their forever families.

Xie Xie (Thank you)
It is through fragile waters that we wade to meet this wonderful little girl, earn her trust, and bring her home; into our house, into our families, into our hearts. You could read what she has been through and you could say "what a lucky girl, to be rescued from all of that." But I tell you without ego or design that it is we who are the lucky ones. It is we who are rescued. It is we who are blessed to have this shooting star fly so brightly into our lives. My heart is hers. It has been since I first saw her picture. It is a father's heart, and I have surrendered it to her for all eternity.