Since we've had Amelie, I wanted to make sure that we didn't attribute everything about Amelie's behavior to the fact that she was adopted. I do, however, want to find the right balance between raising her as the happy, well-adjusted child we know she is and understanding what fears she may have as a result of her experiences before she came home to us. Recently, I have read stories about adopted children feeling more anxiety when faced with stories of transient events. For example, I recently read a story about a mother who became concerned with her young daughter's anxiety and mood swings after seeing a story on the news about children being taken away from their mother and father during a police raid. She tried to focus on it being a normal reaction a child would have about seeing children taken from their parents and consoled her about the situation and how it was much different than their own. Her daughter continued to display anxious behavior in the weeks that followed when her mother finally took a shot at asking if her concern was related to her being adopted. The mother knew she was on point when the daughter burst into tears.
Now, on to Amelie. Many times I have tried to explain to Amelie all the relations she has to her family. For example, Ging and Poppy and Nana and Papa are her grandparents. Ging and Poppy are Baba's Mama and Baba and Nana and Papa are my Mama and Baba. Lenny and Micah are my brothers, etc. I have also said that I had a different last name before. She took all this in stride. A few nights ago, I explained it in slightly different syntax than I have used before. I told Amelie that Micah and Lenny were my brothers and that their last name is Gaspary. I then told her that my name used to be Maile Gaspary before I married Baba. When I said this, she immediately burst into tears and yelled "No! Mama!" She became inconsolable. I tried to comfort her and ask her if she was worried that I wasn't the same person any more and she sobbed "yes". I told her that I was the same person she has always known-I am always her Mama and I am still Lenny and Micah's sister and Nana and Papa's daughter and that I love her always. It took a long time to calm her down.
As a mother, I urgently want to wash away her deep-rooted fears that I can't even possibly imagine. The only thing I know how to do is to not take any of her fear or panic moments for granted and try to comfort her during moments of panic no matter how seemingly insignificant - after all, how could I possibly assume its nothing when I can't remember the fears of a 3 yr. old in a big world, much less one that has been through what she has?
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